“i messed up. i was scared. look at what happened with my mom and dad? of course i was scared. i…i ruined it. everything that happens in the day, all i can think to myself is i can’t wait to tell jamie about this. when i see someone cursing, all i picture is you blinking. and when i hear a kid’s been cured of cancer, i pray it’s not by that douche bag tree hugging, fucking doctor who ran out on you! i mean, cancer being cured is awesome. but you know, i wish someone else did it.”
— dylan [friends with benefits]
“that’s personal. and we’re not friends anymore. you made that pretty clear. see, all i wanted to do was…was…was have sex with you, remember? pretend you were the best friend i ever had. open up to you, like i’ve never done with anyone, ever. and then when the sex stopped, invite you to L.A. for the weekend to…dun-dun-dun…introduce you to my family. i’ll send you a check if i take the job.”
— dylan [friends with benefits]
...i actually thought you were different [friends with benefits]
- dylan: i was just trying to get my sister off my back! she thought we liked each other.
- jamie: yeah. me too, dylan. i thought we were friends. but friends don't go talking shit about each other. which must mean that you and i, were actually never friends. that all you wanted was to get into my pants.
- dylan: what?
- jamie: you jumped at the chance at your dad's house!
- dylan: you cracked your neck. i thought you were giving me a sign! we talked about this.
- jamie: oh, my god! really?
- dylan: you pulled my robe off! oopsy! remember?
- jamie: yeah. and then you snuck out of the room. oopsy! remember that?
- dylan: what? are you pissed off at me because i didn't cuddle? isn't that why we started this whole arrangement in the first place? you wanted this.
- jamie: i wanted this? just me. god, you are just like every other guy! the sad thing is, dylan, i actually thought you were different.
- dylan: different from what? i'm not your boyfriend, i'm your friend.
- jamie: well, with friends like you, who needs friends? and uh...thank you for ruining my mountain top. asshole!
what more are you looking for? [friends with benefits]
- annie: did you have a fight with your girlfriend?
- dylan: she's not my girlfriend. why don't you believe me?
- annie: i would believe you if you didn't lie to me! i saw you creeping out of her room the other night. like you had just had sex, if you know what i mean?
- dylan: yes, i know what you mean. you just said it! and how do you know what i look like after i have...i'm not talking to you about this, okay. we're not together.
- annie: friends who have sex! what are you, in college?
- dylan: it doesn't matter! it's over!
- annie: why?
- dylan: because we don't like each other like that.
- annie: okay, you now what? we should talk about this. sit down. what more are you looking for?
- dylan: who says i'm looking for anything?
- annie: dylan.
- dylan: i don't know! but it's not jamie!
- annie: why? because you're great together? because you're actually friends with each other? because this is the happiest that i have ever seen you?
- dylan: i don't know what to tell you, annie. she's not for me. i don't like her like that.
- annie: you like her enough to have sex with her.
- dylan: it's just physical. like playing tennis.
- annie: i don't even know what that means, dylan! i haven't seen you this dumb, since you got that candy corn tattoo.
- dylan: it's a lightning bolt! with extra powers!
- annie: dylan, you can't name one thing that's wrong with her.
- dylan: i can never go out with her. she's too fucked up. she doesn't want a boyfriend. she's too damaged. magnum, p.i. couldn't solve the shit going on in her head.
- annie: wow! you'll say anything right now not to admit that you're perfect for each other.
- dylan: why are we still having this conversation?
- annie: because i'm right.
- dylan: good talk, annie.
he's a guy [friends with benefits]
- jamie: i gotta stop thinking it's not me. i mean, it's gotta be me!
- dylan: it's not you. nothing is wrong with you. he's a guy. you gave him a five date challenge, he got you and cut out. forget the douche! he's a dick. he's a dick douche.
it's not who you wanna spend friday night with [friends with benefits]
- dylan: so, it's always just about sex then?
- tommy: no. i've been in love. i went down that rabbit hole. you know what i discovered? it's not who you wanna spend friday night with. it's who you wanna spend all day saturday with. do you know what that feels like?
- dylan: yeah. but then it's every saturday for the rest of your life.
- tommy: that's okay. you don't get it. it's no big deal. but you will. one day, you'll meet someone and it'll literally take you breath away. like, you can't breath. like, no oxygen to the lungs. like a fish...
- dylan: yeah. i...i get it, tommy.
- tommy: yeah. you don't.
...still breasts [friends with benefits]
- dylan: your breasts.
- jamie: what about them?
- dylan: they intrigued me.
- jamie: really?
- dylan: yeah!
- jamie: oh, i think they're so tiny!
- dylan: still breasts.
- jamie: thanks.
it's women's fault [friends with benefits]
- jamie: god, i miss sex! right, i mean sometimes you just need it. it's like...uh, it's like cracking your neck.
- dylan: why does it always gotta come with complications?
- jamie: and emotions.
- dylan: and guilt.
- jamie: woh! guilt!
- dylan: it's womens fault.
- jamie: what?
- dylan: you heard me! 'hold me.' 'lets spend the rest of our lives together.'
- jamie: oh, please! you are no better. 'oh, yeah. baby, come on now. say my name. yeah...eee...uuhh! i'm done. how was that?'
- dylan: who have you been with?
it's called porn [friends with benefits]
- jamie: god, i wish my life was a movie sometimes. you know, i'd never have to worry about my hair, or having to go to the bathroom. and then when i'm at my lowest point, some guy would chase me down the street, pour his heart out and we'd kiss. happily ever after.
- [referring to the couple in the romantic movie, riding in a carriage at the end of the movie]
- jamie: i mean, a horse and carriage! come on! that is...awesome!
- dylan: not as awesome as this ambiguously upbeat pop song that has nothing to do with the plot! they put in at the end to try to convince you that you had a great time at this shitty movie.
- jamie: you know, why don't they ever a make a movie about what happens after they kiss?
- dylan: they do. it's called porn.